All I do lately is work. I feel like whatever direction I thought I had is sort of dissipating.
Maybe it's just because I am too ried to think, but I feel like I am not getting at all closer to knowing what I like doing. It seems all the past couple of months have brought me is a more accute awareness that I hate being a salesperon and an assistant.
I am thinking more seriously of going back to school in psychology. I feel like it is stable, and something that I could become good at.
I guess that's most of the problem lately. I don't feel good at anything I do, and very little of it is rewarding.
I am terrible at driving (one failed exam and many weeks of practice later, I am still worried abotu my next exam...)
I think I may be an even worse salesperson (imagine the most awkard person you knwo trying to be a conversationalist and tempting peopel into buying things...it just doesn't work.)
I am also pretty slow at learning sewing...I always screw things-up and end-up taking so much more time than everyone else int he class to complete a project.
I guess the only thing left in my activities that I could be good at is Tel-Écoute, the helpline I am volunteering for...
I keep trying to remind myself that I took a whole year to figure things out precisely because things take time... I have only been at it for two months. I guess I feel defeated mostly because I am scared, and I shouldn't let myself get scared. I should just keep on goin' I should stay optimistic. It would be nice to be rewarded with being able to accomplish some good work. Seeing that I am doing at least SOMETHING well.
Other aspects of my life are doing pretty well though. Jonathan and I are doing very well. I still am so glad to wake-up next to him, and he is glad too.
I also just had the most wonderful birthday party I could have ever asked for! Almost everyone I love was there. Everyone came over to our new home with a little something to eat that they had prepared. Everyone was happy to see each other and the food was delicious.
I also made the coolest cake! It was chocolate on the inside and buttercream frosting (which is actually quite complicated to make). It was decorated with mini vanilla cupcakes layered in a small tower. It was beautiful, and delicious, and I was so proud of myself. Everyone was pretty impressed too!
I am also reading a very good book: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.
It is making me think that I should dedicate more time to writing. I love spending time making-up stories in my head. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. I should probably put them down on paper. It could also help me communicate what I am thinkign better. I have such a hard tiem structuring my ideas and gettign them accross.
I guess, as usual, there is some bad and some good.
I have mostly Jonathan to thank for the good. He is so good to me. His support and love make me so strong. I have to be very careful to be as good to him as he is too me. I wouldn't want him to get tired and leave.
It's still all a patchwork!
