Patchwork

All I do lately is work. I feel like whatever direction I thought I had is sort of dissipating.
Maybe it's just because I am too ried to think, but I feel like I am not getting at all closer to knowing what I like doing. It seems all the past couple of months have brought me is a more accute awareness that I hate being a salesperon and an assistant.
I am thinking more seriously of going back to school in psychology. I feel like it is stable, and something that I could become good at.
I guess that's most of the problem lately. I don't feel good at anything I do, and very little of it is rewarding.
I am terrible at driving (one failed exam and many weeks of practice later, I am still worried abotu my next exam...)
I think I may be an even worse salesperson (imagine the most awkard person you knwo trying to be a conversationalist and tempting peopel into buying things...it just doesn't work.)
I am also pretty slow at learning sewing...I always screw things-up and end-up taking so much more time than everyone else int he class to complete a project.

I guess the only thing left in my activities that I could be good at is Tel-Écoute, the helpline I am volunteering for...

I keep trying to remind myself that I took a whole year to figure things out precisely because things take time... I have only been at it for two months. I guess I feel defeated mostly because I am scared, and I shouldn't let myself get scared. I should just keep on goin' I should stay optimistic. It would be nice to be rewarded with being able to accomplish some good work. Seeing that I am doing at least SOMETHING well.

Other aspects of my life are doing pretty well though. Jonathan and I are doing very well. I still am so glad to wake-up next to him, and he is glad too.
I also just had the most wonderful birthday party I could have ever asked for! Almost everyone I love was there. Everyone came over to our new home with a little something to eat that they had prepared. Everyone was happy to see each other and the food was delicious.
I also made the coolest cake! It was chocolate on the inside and buttercream frosting (which is actually quite complicated to make). It was decorated with mini vanilla cupcakes layered in a small tower. It was beautiful, and delicious, and I was so proud of myself. Everyone was pretty impressed too!

I am also reading a very good book: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.

It is making me think that I should dedicate more time to writing. I love spending time making-up stories in my head. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. I should probably put them down on paper. It could also help me communicate what I am thinkign better. I have such a hard tiem structuring my ideas and gettign them accross.

I guess, as usual, there is some bad and some good.

I have mostly Jonathan to thank for the good. He is so good to me. His support and love make me so strong. I have to be very careful to be as good to him as he is too me. I wouldn't want him to get tired and leave.

It's still all a patchwork!

Time on my mind.

I am reading a book called In Praise of Slow. Ironically, I don't really have time to write a propper blog about, so this will be a bit quick.

The book is part of the reason that I am switching from karaté to Yoga. It has also been part of a process of self acceptance for me. I always equated my slowness with lazyness, and with failure. I saw it as something that needed to be watched, curbed. I still feel I need to work more than other people on not being "dans la lune" and not taking too much time to get things done.

However, in certain respects, I feel I could let my slow side take over. It is sometimes wiser to take more time to make a decision. It can make the result or consequence more organic...authentic...better. What I am thinking about it hard for me to express. However, I can saefely say it boils down to being more comfortable in my skin, and as a result, more secure in what I am doing. This is good.


I was re-offered that job in Paris for the OECD, this time, with budjet. This means if I were to get myself to Paris, I would actually be payed. I have to talk through the details with M. (my would-be boss)I am not even sure this would be a possibility since I think what I would be payed would never even cover Paris rent. However, it is for septmeber, which is the time-frame I wanted to find a job for. It feels like I was asking for a job and I got an awesome one neatly delievered on my lap.

Few major problems with this, though:
1-My J.G.: would he be o.k. with me leaving for 6 months?
2-My rent in Montreal.
3-W.T.F. I am so underqualified for this!

Regardless of whether this works-out or not...I am very glad Mario remembered me and found me linguistically competent enough to still want me as an employee over the French applicants, one year later.

We shall see. I am ok with uncertainty, and open to wonderful new opportunities. One really never knows. (see how positive and zen, and not anti-drama I am being?)

Ok, well this will have to be the end of this not-really-a-post.

Will be writing a real decent one soon.

J., I have been thinking fo you every day.

Next.

Well, it has been a rough month, but also a wonderful one. Moving-in was more complicated than expected. Many set-backs and bad surprises had to be overcome. However, these episodes brought J.G. and I even closer, which I am very greatful for. In this period of my life, I feel safe enough to rediscover the pleasure of enjoying difficulties and bouts of sadness. Feeling less alone has allowed be to appreciate tough times. Going through them and overcoming them makes me feel alive. I had not had that since cejep.


Many things are going-on appart from the move.
I have started my sewing lessons and LOVE them. I am making a wonderful skirt. It is very exciting to learn how to make beautiful clothing. So far, I find the technical aspect of sweing interesting too, nto just the result. I am just beginning, of course, but this is still encouraging.

The appartment is also looking purty darn awesome, and both J.G. and I are loving that. I think that it will be the first time in a long time that we feel at home in a place. Not completely, because it isn't ours, but close. It feels great to work with him. We paint, we sand things, we choose things together, and it has all been going marvelously well. We even learned you can re-do the enamel on a bathtub! :D

One bad aspect is that these times are incredibly financially tight. Still, now more than ever I see what a good investment this is. J.G. works so hard and is so understanding. We are doing better than ever. This is really...really...real. I tell him how I feel, I am not afraid of confrontation (ok that's not true-but I confront all the same), and he recongnizes when he is wrong. We can be so open about things, and we disagree a lot...which makes things interesting. He sees things so positively (which is ubber good for me) and is so smart. His support and care have made so many things easier. He also challenges me to be the best I can be for him, out of gratitude. I think that is a pretty solid base. Oh yeah, and the more I get to know him, the more I realise that we have the same "code".

I feel I never have time to write as beautifuly as you: J. and Adl. For now, my entries are just boring updates. I really want to make it a point to find the time to write-out what I think and make it interesting, like you do.

I have been better about not over-worrying (and consequently creating problems) and not thinking too negatively. I find this is the result of not thinking too long-term, and making sure that what I am doing short-term feels right. This also leaves room for the unexpected, which, I am learning to trust, can turn-out to be good (i.e. J.G.).

I could really realate to Adl's entry about letting go. :)


The photo is my future haircut.

Spring is here.

Everyone is alive again, and I want to buy a mansion and decorate it.
I am so very tired, and still slightly discouraged, but I am not letting it get to me. The sky is blue, the air smells slightly of poo, and the sun feels warm on the skin. What else could one ask for?
The truth is I am a bit scared of moving-in with J.G. It may very well be a very big mistake. Sometimes I feel like I don't understand him enough, like we don't know each other enough. Maybe there is a jonathan monster hidden in there and he will only come-out when it is too late?
Despite the doubt, I still feel like the best thing to do is pick paint colors with him and get crackin' on packing my boxes. It's so ridiculously soon. If it turns out I was all wrong about him, then so be it.

There are a lot of things bellow satisfactory level, lately. I don't pay as much attention to my father as I would like. Also, I would have liked to work longer on my final essay. I don't feel too good about it. I feel pretty bad at my job, and well, tiredness has taken its toll on J.G. and I. I also feel like my friendships are evaporating, and that is not good. I feel that I am always running around to see people, but somehow they are never the people that really count. I need to watch that. I know it doesn'T have to be this way. I need to figure-out a smarter way to say no, and to feel less bad for prioritizing.

There is a flip-side, though. Not knowing at all where I am going to end-up next fall is sort of exciting, and for the first time in a LONG time, my little voice is speaking to me. The first time was last week. I was walking home from having gotten J.G. some icing sugar for a desert he was making, and I was listening to this great new d.j. I like...it felt good to walk home in the semi-warm night and listen to new music. I had forgotten what a positive effect music can have on my mood. I just felt happy. Not happy because I had to, not “fending-off bad thoughts” happy. Just happy. That is when the voice spoke. It said: “so what if you don’t know? that doesn’t mean it will turn-out badly.”
I am also thinking of Mom more. I almost dialogue with her. The universe seems to be conspiring to make me remember her. A childhood friend is staying over at my apartment for a few days. I hadn’t seen her in ages. The first thing she asked was: “how’s your Mum?” That was quite a shock. It was a good one, thought. It made me think of her. Seeing my childhood friend is also awakening memories of how I was as a child, and how my mother was.
I thought for a while that I should see a therapist because I had never spoken about my mother, and her death did not seem like it was an event in my life. I think now, instead, that I should ask people about her and record what they say. I don’t know what will come of this...but I think I just need to rediscover her. What I have left to do this are people’s memories. I think it could turn into a beautiful project.
So there it is, all of it (or almost).
Some good, some bad, and some mediocre. But altogether, it’s still a pretty awesome patchwork.

La liseuse en bleu

I love this painting.

I stumbled upon this text about it on the internet. It is by a guy named Pierre Desproges. I think I love it as much as the painting.
God I wish I could write like that!

Le grand silence de Vermeer
Texte de Pierre DESPROGES

Si tant est que la providence m'ait jamais doté du moindre sens artisti­que, il m'apparaît qu'elle m'a plus généreusement ouvert aux joies de l'oreille qu'aux plaisirs de l'oeil. J'ai connu d'exquis frissons du sacrum aux lombaires en écoutant Verdi, Charlie Par­ker ou Paolo Conte, et souffert des cervicales sous les sacrés plafonds vénitiens dégoulinant d'angelots Renaissance boursouflés au pin­ceau du Tintoret.

Primaire et terrien, plus prompt à vibrer aux réalités palpables qu'à leurs représentations à l'huile, j'ai toujours préféré voir bouger de vrais culs de chair enrobés de soie plutôt que les images plus nobles et plus nues qu'en ont figées Renoir ou ses pompeux aïeux. Et le bouquet d'anémones épuisées cueillies dans mon jardin me charme mieux à coeur que les plus somp­tueuses floralies sur bois des établissements Bruegel.

Ainsi bâillais-je effrontément devant les quinze mètres carrés de « la Ronde de nuit », en ce sombre matin d'Amsterdam et d'avril, dans la grande salle du Rijksmuseum où j'avais fui la pluie, quand j'eus soudain la sensation aiguë d'une présence derrière moi. C'était toi, dans ta veste à rubans bleue. En réalité, je t'avais pro­bablement entrevue l'instant d'avant, mais ce n'est qu'après coup que je ressentais l'onde de choc de ta beauté cachée dans ce petit rectangle entoilé où tu n'en finis pas de relire la lettre de cet imbécile qui t'a mise enceinte avant d'aller faire la guerre en Artois. C'est une matinée fraîche. Le lait chaud fume dans le bol de faïence que ta fille aînée tient à deux mains, à l'autre bout de la table. Elle t'écoute. Elle est bien. Derrière elle, un soleil atténué filtre au carreau pour lui chauffer la nuque. Il souligne à peine la douceur irréelle de ton front d'Adjani. Voyeur confus de ton intimité, je ressens comme une douleur le calme indescriptible et surhumain qui irradie de toi .

Mme Van Guldener, qui fait autorité dans les palettes, dit, parlant de toi, que « le noeud qui dissimule en partie la joue du modèle est une diagonale mouvante qui conduit l'oeil jus­qu'au profil sensible tout en faisant disparaître une surface assez pauvre ». Il me semble que Mme Van Guldener manque de simplicité. Elle n'est pas de ton milieu. Mais peu t'im­porte. Tu ne vis que pour cette lettre.

« Chère Helena,

J'espère que tu vas bien et que les enfants vont bien. Je vais bien. Mon cheval va bien. La guerre va bien. As-tu pensé à changer le velours des chaises bleues du séjour ?.. »

Sont-ils cons, ces militaires...

Pierre.D.

Perspective, I love you.

I have been feeling a little bit discouraged lately. There is all this change going-on and it feels like some things are happening too quickly, and others not quickly enough. In either case, there are moments in which I forget why I am doing what I am doing, and wonder what I want.
Do I really still want to move-in with Jonathan? Plans are being made at stellar speed, and there is no going back (of course there could be...but once lease, three pieces of furniture bought together, and a truck reservation later, it would be complex). When I take a deep breath and stop worrying, I realize that even though what we have is not perfect, it has got all the ingredients of a good recipe. If I were to worry less about whether he is really being good to me, and more on how I could be good to him, I would see more of what he does for me. His love often manifests itself in strange ways, but they are always earnest attempts to take care of me and keep "us" happy and in love. Perspective: he is still the best man I know, and hell yes I want to live with the best man I know. Bring-on the compromise!
On the list of things not happening quickly enough; my plans to explore the world of Fashion are quickly making me realize just how long things can take. All I know is that I like clothing and that I am a visual person. I have no particularly amazing skills and know not the first thing about the fashion world. Lately, I have decided that in a perfect world, I would probably be an illustrator. I am just going with what I think I like, ignoring common sense a little bit (a lot), and hoping for the best (i.e. not ending-up broke-ass on the street). It sometimes feels daunting to think of how much I have to accomplish to become relevant in any way in the Fashion world, and it is also frightening that I know it so little because I am afraid of regret...Again, perspective saves the day. Do I like looking-up fashion blogs more than doing anything else, lately? Yes. Do I fantasize about having a collection of clothing of my own? Yes. Do I constantly think-up outfits, and have been ever since I can remember? Yes. Is there a (slight as it may be) chance of me finding something I like to do in the fashion world that I may become good at? Yes. Well, then, sounds like I ought to stop stressing, doesn’t it? Yes...
Here too, I will have to compromise, but I don’t want to think of that now. For the moment, I am just doing as many fashion related things as possible, and building ideas for my blog, and a portfolio for Fashion school. I start fashion illustration classes at Dawson next thursday (computerized and all, yikes!) I went to the Braderie last week and had so much fun! I will have to miss au coeur de la mode, but will sign-up for volunteer work at the next sensatonmode event, in june. I check the Sartorialist every day, and it never fails to cheer me up!
I also have a a fashion buddy! We are becoming friends, slowly. I will refer to her as Elz for this blog. She was in many Italian classes with me and we just get along. We are not close or anything, but we certainly have a lot to talk about. I am excited to have a new friend to share my interests and discoveries with. She and I even talked about maybe making some clothes together. It was just an idea and it was said quickly, but it is a fun idea. She has the business skills and the knowledge of the Fashion world that I don’t have, but she doesn’t design or sketch...kind of sounds like a team to me. For now, we are just getting to know each other and enjoying hanging-out. We are going to a fashion show tomorrow for the store La gaillarde: http://lagaillarde.blogspot.com/. We are also doing the sewing workshop there together..exciting!!!
So, panicky thoughts put asside, all is well. Or at least, slowly and surely, I am getting somewhere, I think...or maybe I am just living in the moment more, and maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it could be, if I let go a bit more.

Fuzzy feeling.

Just wanted to post this because when I saw it it made me feel like everything was going to be allllright (amidst all the big changes going on right now, and all this end of semester stress).

Lawd, I'm a rowmantic. Wut'I do 'bout it?

I often get the impression that I am living in another dimension. My mind is living a life of its own and it is creating a lifestory in another world that has nothing to do with the one I see myself living every day.
This imagined existence is attached to me through feeling. Although these dreams my mind comes-up with are not real, I still feel all of the emotions involved just as intensely as if they were real.
I know that I am a dreamer, and a romantic. I will have to be careful of this because there is NO escaping reality. Or at least, it always comes at a very heavy cost.
My worst fear, afterall, is becoming my father.
Dreams are beautiful, but they do not help the people you love, and they do not fulfill the responsabilities you have towards them and yourself...
Or could they?
The stuff of dreams rarely turns into the stuff of a full bank account and food on the table. I had long given-up on the idea that my imagination coudl contribute to the work I was goign to chose to do in life.
But I am regaining hope. These feelings that I can trigger, that I can create and then experience as if they had come upon me by some outside source have got to somehow find their way into what I make of my life.
I found this poem today. It inspired de Gregori to write

La Donna Cannone

. A beautiful song...une chanson pour les romantiques. C'est du Jacques Brel pur, en Italien :)
I am on a mission to integrate being a romantic into a healthy responsible existence. Lawd help me.


Le Saut du tremplin

Clown admirable, en vérité !
Je crois que la postérité
Dont sans cesse l'horizon bouge,
Ne le nommera qu'en tremblant.
Il était barbouillé de blanc,
De jaune, de vert et de rouge.

Même jusqu'à Madagascar
Son nom était parvenu, car
C'était selon tous les principes
Qu'après les cercles de papier,
Sans jamais les estropier
Il traversait le rond des pipes.

Il s'élevait à des hauteurs
Telles, que les autres sauteurs
Se consumaient en luttes vaines.
Ils le trouvaient décourageant,
Et murmuraient : "Quel vif-argent
" Ce démon a-t-il dans les veines ?"

Tout le peuple criait : "Bravo !"
Mais lui, par un effort nouveau,
Semblait roidir sa jambe nue,
Et, sans que l'on sût avec qui,
Cet émule de la Saqui
Parlait bas en langue inconnue.

C'était avec son cher tremplin.
Il lui disait : "Théâtre, plein
" D'inspiration fantastique,
" Tremplin qui tressailles d'émoi
" Quand je prends un élan, fais moi
" Bondir plus haut, planche élastique !

" Frêle machine aux reins puissants,
" Fais moi bondir, moi qui me sens
" Plus agile que les panthères,
" Si haut que je ne puisse voir
" Avec leur cruel habit noir
" Ces épiciers et ces notaires !

" Par quelque prodige pompeux,
" Fais moi monter, si tu le peux,
" Jusqu'à ces sommets, où, sans règles,
" Embrouillant les cheveux vermeils
" Des planètes et des soleils,
" Se croisent la foudre et les aigles.

" Plus haut encor, jusqu'au ciel pur !
" Jusqu'à ce lapis dont l'azur
" Couvre notre prison mouvante !
" Jusqu'à ces rouges Orients
" Où marchent des dieux flamboyants,
" Fous de colère et d'épouvante.

" Plus loin ! plus haut ! je vois encor
" Des boursiers à lunettes d'or,
" Des critiques, des demoiselles
" Et des réalistes en feu.
" Plus haut ! plus loin ! de l'air ! du bleu !
" Des ailes ! des ailes ! des ailes !"

Enfin, de son vil échafaud,
Le clown sauta si haut, si haut,
Qu'il creva le plafond de toiles
Au son du cor et du tambour,
Et, le cœur dévoré d'amour,
Alla rouler dans les étoiles.

Théodore de Banville, Odes funambulesques,
Paris, Lettres Modernes, 1993, pp.147-149.

I think I am allowed to post this...

This blog is about letting each other know how we are doing, and sharing ideas right?
I can't really explain my bonheur conjugal...nor do I want to be too processed mozzarella about it...
I don't think he would mind me showing you this...

...and if a picture was ever worth a thousand words...:)

FOUND ONE!!!

It is puuurfect! We are going to be so happy there!
4 and a half, 520 a month, in verdun, close to metro...mémé tartine next door!
We have a home, un petit nid.
Youpi!

La Quête

Finding an apartment is a great exercise for the imagination. You think of all the practical things, sure, but you also have to see yourself happily living there.
Looking for an apartment with your boyfriend is doubly an exercise of the imagination. You must see two happy destinies unfold in the three, or four, or five and a half rooms you are carefully examining.
We are looking in Verdun.
So far, soooo dirty.
We are not losing hope of finding the jem, though. That's exactly what we are both looking for, a little oasis of beauty.
La Quête has me losing sleep a bit. It comes with so many visions of next year, so many uncertainties: where will I work, will I eventually go back to school, will J.G. still love me, will MF and MD come over...
I couldn't sleep at all one night and went to sleep on J.G.'s couch. He was a bit upset and associated the insomnia with him only: i.e. that I would be afraid it would not work with him, or that I was not feeling ready to move-out.
Eh non, it has to do with my own fears of non-accomplishment. Being with someone so positive makes me feel like I have to really be "à mon affaire" and live-up to him, happiness-wise. It actually helps. As for reassurance, I have to point it out often, when I need it, but then I do get it. Very much so.

The wonderfulest conversation

J.G. et moi choisisons les pires moments pour nos conversations les plus intenses. En fait, je devrais dire "le" pire moment, car c'est toujours juste avant de se coucher. Ces conversations on l'effet, sur moi, d'à peu près trois mille tonnes de café! Je ne peux jamais m'endormir après, mais c'est pour une bonne raison, c'est parce que je suis super-heureuse et aussi parce que quand on discute, lui et moi, mon cerveau s'active beaucoup. (D'ailleurs, vous voyez sans-doute de part la piètre qualité de l'écriture dans ce post qu'il me reste peu de power-cérébral ce matin!)

Il me fait penser, ce J.G.!

Hier, il m'a fait des confidences. Il m'a parler de son avenirs, de ses inquiétudes, de solutions possibles, de doutes...
Je crois que j'ai été vraiment bonne à l'écouter, à le conseiller, et à le rassuer. Oui, oui, je crois que j'ai bien fais ces trois choses là!
Il m'a remercier et il m'a serré fort. Il s'est excusé aussi car il a dit ne pas vouloir m'embêter avec ses problèmes...et il a exprimé l'inquiétude aussi de sembler faible à mes yeux...à quoi j'ai répondu qu'on faisais équipe, lui et moi. Il a beaucoup aimé la réponse :)
Le plus beau dans tout ça, c'est que c'est vrai. On est vraiment une équipe!
C'est fou comme aimer quelqu'un change les choses. Des fois, je me trouve un courage et un optimisme que je n'aurais jamais pensé avoir autrement.

He is also my "reality" monitor, when I stray he starts to beep :)
He thinks of my happiness, and "our" happiness. We make decisions together...

Quand on parle de l'avenir, on finit toujours la conversation en se disant que l'on bâtis un avenir enssemble...l'effet que ceci a sur moi...c'est comme dans les chansons d'Edith Piaf..."heureuse à en pleurer..."

This is really real, wow.

Cho-seen

Pictures are so wonderful. I think I love them more than words, and I mean, I really love words.

I am in a wonderful house today. The owners are friends of the family (Mf's Denis's friends) and we are here for MF's birthday.
They are wonderful people, and have a beautifuly decorated house. It is beautiful because it makes eclectic work. None of what they have is über expensive but everything was carefuly chosen. You can tell they picked "that" chair when they were on vacation in Italy together, or "this" table they found in a antic store, somehwere in the Spanish countryside...
They have many things that look liek they are purty old (so maybe some of them are very expensive, actually...oops)btu they blended them in really well with the few pretty things you can find at Barnes and Nobles.
It isn't even necessarily meticulous choice, but everything works as a estheticaly cohesive whole because you can tell it was chosen authentically. The place reflects them, their parcours, the love they share, how much pleasure they took in discovering the places they saw together.

I would like to make a living space look like me someday. If I am really lucky, it will look like the man I love and I's parcours.

I am feeling pretty energetic, lately. I don't sleep enough, though. I need to catch-up on that...and homework. Otherwise, everything is p-e-r-f-e-c-t.

My boss has entrusted me with the responsibility for the content (all of it) of his magazine, a bi-yearly "publication" on all of life through a Financial lense. Most of it will consist of re-hashing already published articles (by the National Bank Financial), which is fine by me because, frankly, I wouldn't now what to say about Finance, or how to say it.

The challenging and interesting part will be the interviews. I get to do a couple of interviews about more homeley questions like: "Les Finances et le couple" (what are the financial consequences of a separation, for married couples, union civiles, and conjoints de fait) Muy interesante! I am also interviewing a psychologist about some emmotional questions related to the financial consequences of a separation...

I am really happy to have this opportunity to handle something like this by myself. It is the perfect occasion to prove to myself that I can undertake something and do it well. I had been seeking this-out and it came to me, in the end (se estarà desarrollando mi leyenda personal?)

Other "career move": next week-end, I am going to hand-out my c.v. to these guys:

http://www.braderiedemodequebecoise.com/

I would like to volunteer to help set-up the event...or just serve coffee...or wash the floors...

I also made a new friend at karaté. Her name is Sandra. She is from Bolivia, and she studied fashion design in Paris. She is now a designer here in Montreal and she recently had to close her shop (didn't really ask why...) she kept her clients and now does sur-mesure clothing all by herself. It is hard work and she says she would love to have someone help her with the more technical stuff...
I haven't spoken to her about this yet, but I would love to volunteer and help her out.
Of course, I need to figure-out some sewing skills first...but I can do that. We both love karaté so we will be around each other for a while, and I doupt her work situation will change by next fall. That is my target-time for being ready with the sewing skills.

Things are happening. Well, not yet. But the universe certainly is conspiring to help me. À moi d'y rendre justice!

I am still a little bit afraid that I will fail horribly at life, but the more I do, the more that fear goes away, and the more I see how incredibly fortunate I am. Being fortunate is a good thing, even when it happens before you deserve it. I just have to keep working at living-up to what has been given to me, and not focus on the fear that I will not be able to do it justice.

Marie is turning forty. I am glad I can be there. We have been busy lately, but we are doing good, I think. She talks to me more about herself and what is going on with her, which makes me happy, and reasures me that we are still close. Things have changed a lot since I was the little girl that shared the Drolet house with her. I would run to her for any little question. I have grown-up quite a bit since then. I am always afraid that I have done a bad job of this, and that she will cease to love me as a result. But I think things are ok, and that I have grown (so far) into a person who is able to be good to her, and Micheal.

This has been a long one...I think I should stop now, and go do some homework.

I want to look into volunteering for Fashion Week this year. That's an exciting idea! I need exciting ideas lately. Since I am not too sure where I am going in the long run (at this point, by "long run" I mean the next few years) I need little projects to get excited about.
I am learning more and more about fashion in Quebec and it seems that we have a lot of talent here. Of course, everyone that is for real ends-up having shops elsewhere, but a few that I have seen have their headquarters in Montreal still. This means that Montreal is a good place to start from when looking to work in the Fashion world: more good news.

I have been doing some research at the Career and Counseling center, which has made me pretty happy too. I learned about the world of museum curators and art galleries. The more I learn, the more I feel that what I really want to spend my time doing for the rest of my life is to create things, unrestrained. Eh. That is probably selfish.

Selfish sounds a lot like shellfish if you say it fast.

The man and I continue in conjugal bliss...hopefully towards a pretty apartment :)

I am living less well with Boccaccio (my other companion of everyday) I'm in creative limbo for my next essay! Nothing to say! I have little ideas and find certain things "very interesting" but there is no thread. That makes me feel kind of stupid, and unfit for the College. I participate a lot in class, which is new. I am really happy to be less afraid of sharing my observations, even if they are not the best. Hopefully they will turn into a smart and well structured presentation by...eek...Monday??
We shall see.

I just had a most delicious soupe Tonkinoise for lunch. It really warmed me up, right down to my soul :)
Soupe Tonkinoise reminds me of the Pied de Cochon days. I was so busy with work and school that I never had time to cook supper and would always opt for the soup (which I ate in Art History class)
Chicken, and vegetables, lightly spicy tasty liquid...good stuff.
It reminded me how much I hate my job, and that I should have changed it. I was so much happier when I felt overwhelmed with work and could afford soup.
I need to challenge myself more outside of school. Karaté has been good, I have been going regularly. Only once a week but at least I go every week. It feels good to do something physicaly difficult. Restaurant work was both that, and a challenge to my brain because everything went so quickly.
I also remember that when I took that job I was inpsired to look for something that was outside my zone of confort and that I would really like. I was proud to be part of the team, even though I found them harsh sometimes. I was beaming with happiness the first few shifts there. It was a pleasure all my own. I had wanted it, gotten it, and I mostly kept to myself about things that work was teaching me. It was hard on my ego, but it also built it up. I think it prevented me from imaginign that I was anything better or worse than what I was in reality. It kept me connected tot he real.

I am losing that connection. I feel like my mind has been floating around in another dimension, lately. That worries me. Karaté keeps me real, but I need more of that.
Maybe dreaminess is a side-effect of a good relationship. It is such lusury to be with Jonathan that it always feels like a vacation. He also seems to think quite highly of me without me having to do anything particularly extraurdinary...
Tends to have me forgetting what the real world is like, outside of our bubble of love, and that these two will be collindin increasingly often. This will be particularly true when we move-in together.

The bubble is ok, but what is less ok is that I have been using it to distract myself from upcoming serious decisions and other aspects of life that are generaly less pleasant to think about.

I am NOT, NOT, NOT going to a=fall intot eh trap of relying on him to make me happy. It's a tricky one...it creeps-up on you! Mais ce n'est PAS PAS PAS une inévitabilité.

Il est gentils, il m'aime beaucoup, on se rappelle mutuellement à l'ordre...on a tout pour que ça marche.

On cherche un appartement à Verdun :)