È finita

It is over between J.G. and I. I guess technically that is not precisely true. When he walked out of my appartment in a hurry this morning what he said was: "I want a break".

I cried for about an hour afterwards while trying to slice bread with the wrong kind of knife. (I will eventually get a bread knife...eventually)
I gave-up on the bread, took a shower, and made coffee.
The bread and bad knife combination eventually turned into jam and peanut butter toast.

I cleaned my whole appartment. By the time I got to mopping the place I already felt better.

I forgot to mention that between the shower and the toast there was a conversation with M. It is crazy how similarly we think of relationships. I guess we both loved the same woman, and I learned most of what I know from her.

I felt so much better after I spoke to him.

I made lunch pretty late and then went to karaté.

All day, while I was fending off the feelings of sadness and emptiness, I kept telling myself I was not angry at him.

That was a lie, as it turns-out.
The anger reared its ugly head during karaté class. The teacher was tough on us, and we all had trouble keeping-up. I got this killer cramp midway during the exercizes. As usual when this happens, I try to picture myself in actual "combat".
Strangely, the face I kept picturing was J.G's.

Guess I am mad, afterall.

In the last half hour of class we did non-stop fighting. I screwed-up the first couple of fights, but by the third I was on my game and doing well.

Another feeling that reavealed itself during karaté was guilt. It is not impossible that I single-handedly ENTIRELY screwed-up this relationship...
Though I was good with my fighting, I was not at ease tonight. I got this black belt girl in the stomach (did I mention I was on my game tonight?) and instantly stopped fighting and appologized. I blushed and felt badly, It was super-awkard. The teacher walked-up and mercilessly said something along the lines of: what the hell is wrong with you, "excuses-toi pas parce que tu as fais un bon coup, voyons!" This comment was passed not really on a "congratulations" tone, rather a "stop being a idiot girl" tone.

The girl looked and me and said the same.

I feel like I have been appologizing for existing lately. I am not sure why I feel so insecure.

No more!

I know there are some things that I did wrong in this relationship. I have some of them down and I will think hard about how I acted in the next few days. I will come to a conclusion about what I think is right or wrong. Off the top of my head, I don't think I deserved to be left like that.

It hurts a lot to be told: "I am just tired" by the person that you love (when they are reffering to your relationship).

Knowing him as I do so far, do I think I can be J.G.'s girlfriend without driving him or me crazy?

I love him, I really do.

Just last night we were having a real conversation (such a treat, and so rare!) and I was just soaking it all up, the sound of his voice, the way he thought of things, his courage, positivity, everything...

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said that true love was not looking into each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction.

This has always been my love credo. When J.G. first told me about himself, I thought: "ta-daa!"

No matter how much I admire him, love him, no matter how much my stomach turns whenever I think he is hurt or unhappy...it just never felt...close.

This morning, when I understood that he was leaving it felt like my stomach had fallen to my heels.

It's kind of been dangling there all day...

But tonight, I feel altogether better.

I spoke to Marie. Speaking to her and M. always feels like coming home.

I am very very lucky.

I would love to share a similar kind of closeness to a man I love someday.

Frim-Fram sauce kind of day

Today is a good day.
I just found-out I have a 4.0 average for this semester...that's right, straight As, baby! That feeeeels good!
(This photo is what finding that out felt like!)
I still don't have the results for my Science class, but if they are bad, I will re-do it. That feels a little less good, but it doesn't feel bad.
Tonight, I am cooking-up a storm (vegetable lasagna with goat cheese...mmm) My meals for the week will be taken care of. That feels good too! (Planning AHEAD is magical, something J.G. unknowingly taught me)
I have to see Phil, and that will be a little less fun...I don't know why I let myself makes plans with people I don't have anything to say to...
I guess it feels wrong to cut people off when you were close to them once.
I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.
On Wednesday J.G. will be done his exams, and we can finally have a bit of time alone...hopefully! Knowing that feels pretty good. The doubts about him are still lingering. I can't decide whether this is because my demons are winning the battle or because time is reavealing the superficiality of our connection.
(HOW could I not know? Good question! And yes, and we are planning on moving-in together next year...how stupid and inconsistent of me...I know.)
Half of me wants this really badly, and the other half wonders if the want is creating something that doesn't exist.
How close are two people supposed to be?
He made smart plans for an appartment. He has a good deal on a four and a half downtown and will be able to afford to live there alone. He doesn't want any more roomates and knows I am worried that co-habitation will be disastrous...so he is leaving the option open for me to move in with him by taking the place alone: "That way, you can come and stay over all the time if you want, and it will be up to you."
Would I be a fool not to be in love with this man? Yes, yes indeed I would.
He is so strong, consistent, and inaccessible (the man i a fortress) and I am...inconsistent, uncertain...wimpy.

*Sigh*

Next chapter, I have an appointment with an academic advisor and the career placement center, so finding a job for next year is happening. That feels really really good!

I still have to check-out Lasalle College for Fashion Design and see if I can take some classes part time.

Next semester will be delicious (90% Italian). ...more feeling of goodness.

I also promised myself I would take some time to draw when I am at my father's. That should make the week easier. I still have to find a photo to base a project on.

It is a grey snowy day, but it's beautiful!

I actually even feel good about winter this year...alternate reality? No, I think I am just learning to be happy despite a lot of things (not despite...it's more like an inclusive process...) Along the way, I am finding even some of the "despite" things beautiful.
I'm finding it's a good thing to get better at for a good life.
This blog has been chaotic..sorry. I found the photo and wanted to write, but am at work so had to time to make it make sense.

I'm kind of a dork, so I like to keep inspirational quotes around my apartment because...well, they inspire me.
I got hope from a good day, today. Not particularly productive, but good.
As I was brushing my teeth and justifying to myself reading the last 30 pages of Anna Karenina instead of reviewing my Italian notes, I glanced at my fridge and saw a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that had been there forever: "You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and the best you have to give."

At first, it reminded me of a friend in Spain who is trying to build something that he genuinely believes in. It made me feel good to know someone like that, then I thought of J., J.G., M, M.F., and my cousin. It turns out, I know a lot of people who care to make something good that wasn't there before them. All of them have it in common that this objective is not self-involved in any other way than that they are its inventors and the craftsmen behind the work. It's not altruistic, it's...responsible? Yeah, not exactly the word I am looking for. But that's kind of what I mean.
Listing through these people, my mind stopped on J.G.: he keeps inspirational quotes around too!
Remembering the first few times we hung-out and that funny magnet on his fridge that reads: "I do many things well, none of which generate income".
I remembered how I really feel about him. I remembered feeling, after I had met him, like we had been on the same team for a long time, but we had just never really met.
It wasn't anything specific that he said or did, it was mostly in the way he moved, the way he looked at me when he asked a question. He has this way about him, this strength that translates into kindess, and you can see it.

I guess I just felt we were both trying to live well.

Lately, my sentiment has been taitned by fear.
As I stared at Eleanor's words I couldn't help it wonder: "Naïké, why are you so damned scared of living with him?" Probably just because it is a big scary step, and I am just giving the fear more stage-space than it deserves.
I think I understood today that I haven't wanted enough to trust that he will always try to do what's best for us. Whenever I think about us lately, I seem to start from the premise that he does not want what is best for me. I've somehow demonized him out of fear, and created a monster that only feins love, but really wants to trap me, to use me for his happiness and leave me with nothing.

How the hell did I get there???

Fear can quickly claw it's way into the center of attention.
I don't want to be afraid, I am so-god-damn-done with being afraid.
This essential trust will not grow on it's own. I have to force the dark thoughts out and make sure I try hard to look at what he is doing.

J. has this wonderful frase: "translation means I love you"

I am learning to read him, and I am old enough now to know that this does not happen on its own.

Intimacy sure isn't what I thought it would be! This is the first time for me that it feels real. It's certain and yet not void of doubt. It's...irregular (in my style) but it sure is real! No matter what it costs, I know I can go with that...

Who knew that even when things are real you have to make yourself see them?

Ouf!

Une phrase pour résumer le contenu de ma cervelle..tout-le-temps:

"Le mal se fait sans effort, naturellement, par fatalité; le bien est toujours le produit d'un art."
Baudelaire (Charles)

Aujourd'hui.

Superbe matin!
Il fait une température de printemps dehors! Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais l'air me rappelle Barcelone. Peut-être que c'est à cause de l'anomalie d'un jour ensoleillé à la fin du mois de Novembre...
En marchant vers la bibliothèque ce matin, je me sentais heureuse et libre. J'étais comme remplie d'une énergie...(Dieu sait d'où elle me venait)
Je trouvais le quartier beau, le soleil beau, le ciel beau et j'étais heureuse de pouvoir prendre un belle marche sans congeler.
J'ai pris un bon petit dej. au Java U en lisant quelques pages d'Anna Karénine et maintenant je suis dans la bibliothèque grise (petit cubicule et tout) et je fais face à une montagne insurmontable de travail (et possiblement un GPA pire qu'il ne l'est déjà) et pourtant, je suis heureuse.
Je me sens libre et je n'ai pas peur.
Je me sens un peu coupable d'être si contente parce que J.G. et moi nous sommes quittés fâchés ce matin.
C'est plutôt lui qui était fâché et je ne comprends pas complètement pourquoi.
Je n'en suis pourtant pas traumatisée...égoïste? Peut-être, mais ce bonheur matinal m'est si précieux que j'y repenserai plus tard.
Je sympathise avec sa position, cela me fait de la peine de l'imaginer mécontent, sans vraiment savoir ce qui le dérange. Je lui ai demandé ce matin et j'ai reçu une réponse courte. J'ai dis "ok" je n'ai pas insisté, et je suis allée prendre ma douche. En n’en sortant, il était parti. Je suis navrée (sincèrement!) mais pour une fois, je ne trouve rien à me reprocher. Il a mal prit un comportement que j’ai eu, qui se voulait pourtant aimant.
Je lui ai écrit un petit mot que j’ai laissé sur son lit avec écrit dessus exactement le fond de ma pensée qui était surtout que j’avais le coeur gros de nous voir si distants.
J’espère qu’on en reparlera...
À bien y penser, ça me sert le coeur, mais le bonheur prends quand-même le dessus...
Les choses vont comme elles vont toujours, mais moi je vais mieux.
Je ne fais pas toujours pour le mieux car des fois je ne vois pas clairement, et d’autres c’est plus fort que moi...
Le soleil de ce matin me fais oublier cela. I’m ok with my patchwork of good and bad and uncertain. I just have to keep doing what I think is right, ignoring the fear, and working hard.
Things should be ok, and my bagel and coffee tasted SO good this morning.

Anna Karénine

Ce livre m'habite.
Et si une réconciliation entre les devoirs sociaux d'une personne (devoirs, aussi, envers ceux qu'il/elle aime) et l'assouvissement de désirs et de besoins qui lui sont authentiques étaient irréconciliables?
Où est la plus grande valeur morale? (la vraie question que je me pose c'est: qu'est-ce qui est le plus naturellement bon de faire...je ne sais pas si c'est une question de morale, ça...d'éthique? Bref, je ne sais pas comment appeler cela) L’Authentique doit-il primer sur le devoir envers les autres si ces deux-ci sont irréconciliables?
Ça me fait penser au choix d'un travail. Je découvre que ce que je veux, c’est de trouver une activité qui me soit naturelle, comme une extension de moi, mais dans l'action.

C’est mal. C’est équivoque. C’est gâté. (Pire!? C’est paresseux?) C’est Bovarien!

Je connais mes tendances égoïstes/flegmatiques et je dois y faire attention. Ça commence sans doute par écrire mon essai de science sur lequel je butte depuis plus de deux jours, même si je n'en ai (vraiment, mais vraiment) pas envie.
Je ne veux qu'écrire et dessiner toute la journée, et laisser mes idées me guider...

L'amour entre Kitty et Levine est fécond et celui entre Anna Karénine et Vronski consume, au contraire.


Botte---)cul

À l'essai!

Wouaw! J'ai trouvé comment blogger!

Bon.
D'habitude, je ne trouve pas difficile de commencer, c'est plutôt les suites qui me vont moins bien...mais là, j'avoue que je sais pas trop comment m'y prendre.
Je commencerai donc par le plus simple (joke).
Je réfléchis toujours fort au "next step" (quoi faire de ma peau) pour l'année prochaine, mais je crois que je commence à mieux y réfléchir. Je suis plus calme du moins. Mon J.G. m'est d'une grande aide. Peut importe mes décisions, je me sens aimée et écoutée. On ne peux pas demander mieux!
Sa seule présence m'aide à remettre les choses en perspective:
Quand je me met à avoir horriblement peur il y a un filament de pensée positive qui vient s'entremettre:

- Il est là et il m'aime, on fais bien ça s'aimer...cela veut dire que je fais au moins quelque chose de bien-Si je fais au moins une chose de bien cela doit vouloir dire que je peux faire d'autre chose bien-

Cette capsule de bonheur existe, comme une unité scintillante (une merveilleuse exception!) dans le trou noir qu'est ma peur. Elle rend divisible ce qui était jadis une masse uniforme inaffrontable. Je me suis donc mise à diviser en parties l'avenir que j'ai si peur d'affronter. Je vais d'abords finir mon BAC et ensuite je verrai.

J.G. m'aide, mais j'ai aussi pris de l'autonomie. Vivre seule m'a fait du bien l'année dernière. Je ne sais toujours pas si j'aurai le courage de devenir une bonne personne accomplie, mais ceci deviens une affaire d'"au jour, le jour". Je respire entre mes erreures. J'ai plus le courage de faire confiance à mon propre jugement. Je suis moins dure avec moi même...je prends de la m-m-m-atu-ri-ri-té! Ouf! Ce mot ne m'est jamais sorti des lèvres de façon naturelle!

Longue entrée! There was lots of time to catch-up.

I am writing my science paper on Anna Karenina: Applying the Scientific Method to the Pitfalls of the Human Heart.

It doesn't sound like it makes sense, but I actually have an idea that I think is half decent.