For All We Know.

It's a week after Valentine's day and I have a lot to write about. J.G. and I have had quite the week. We both had some built-up furstrations, and fundamentally big problems that were being put on the back-burner. It lead to big conflict on monday morning (the first day of my week of midterms).
After our outburst, and while I was trying not to be late for class, I decided that it might be best if we had a few days appart. It was difficult to make this decision. I feared his reaction. The ultimate fear was that he would want to end the relatonship because of my decision to take some time away. In retrospect, that seems silly, but at the time, it was a real possibility in my mind. Part if the reason we had not adressed these issues was that we were both scared of where facing them would take us.

We had both gotten a bit lost, and fear and anger were taking over (ugly!).

I spent a few days at my Stepfather's, and the space really helped clear things up:
I had not given myself enough room in this relationship, and I was so scared of losing him that I was letting the relationship rot at the core. There were things I needed that I had to ask for (and put my foot down), and I also had to admit to myself that I had not been giving this lationship my 100% over the last couple of months.

I have found balancing all the different parts of my adult life quite challenging: appartment maintenance, couple, school, family, and friends.

I guess I just have to keep trying my best. This week as ultimately been good for J.G. and I. We met for supper on Thursday and enjoyed a worry free evening. On friday we had the big talk, and it was good, I think. We spent the rest of the week-end makign each other an priority, and doing exclusively fun activities. We really needed to do that more.

There are a lot of things both of us need to do more. I hope the relationship will work because I love him very much. I saw more than ever this week that he loves me too.

Ironically, as a direct result of all this making-up, I am more ready than ever for the possibility that this relationship might not work. I don't mean this at all in a negative way. I have caught myself acting out of fear, and I don't want to go back. I vow that I will face things, be honnest with myself, MAKE time to think things through, and put my foot down when I need to despite the outcome.

I need to work on feeling more whole by myself. I took a small step in that direction last week, and it made the relationship that mich stronger. So I just have to keep going in that way.

I have to say, despite the circumstances, it was a really pleasant few days at M.D.'s. He was so wonderful. He listened, gave amazing insight, and seemed glad to have me there, which all made me feel so much better. We also drank wine every night and watched the last few episodes of Dexter. Yeah, that was a pretty great week.
I am a very lucky girl.

I also had a chance to read some of mym mother's diaries, and look at some photos. I felt like I was monologuing to her all three days I was there. What a woman! She is and inspiration of authenticity and dedication to a good life. She really inspired me to be string and do it right. I hope she would be proud.

I thought I might put up a photo of the garland I made J.G. for Valentine's day. It obviously didn't work any love magic, but I am still pretty proud of it, and I loved making it.



I also made M.F. a birthday card with some of the same materials.

Creative love.

I have been going a little web crazy lately. There are so many amazing blogs and websites out there by all these wonderfully creative women (have not found a man blog yet, except the Sartorialist). It has been so inspiring and uplifting to see all this beautifull stuff. Most of all, I think, it makes me happy to realise that these are real people being (seemingly) successfull at making creativity an important part of their lives.
I am so curious to know more about their private life: how do they support themselves? Do they have wealthy families? Did they have connections in the creative world growing-up? How does their relationship model work? Do their partners support them financially? Do they love, about them, that they are creative?
I've also noticed that they are all engaged or married (and having children). They all seem so very much in love. They just look so happy.

These dreamy blogs have really been cheering me up, and inspiring me to pursue creative projects.

Jonathan and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch, lately. He is working extra hard, and so have I. We have kind of been a bit more distant, and impatient with each other. I am planning on making it all better during my reading week: I will clean, cook, and make time for us taht is adapted to his heavy schedule.

I've also managed to include an arts and crafts project into my romance recovery plan. I am going to make him a Valentine's day garland.

I am not too sure what it will look like yet, but the idea was inspired by this photo:



And I have started making a few things for it:








I'm really excited to make it. It was so much fun to sew those little frankensteinlike hearts. I want to add special photos of things we want in the future, and memories. I want to make it so he sees I have been thinking about us even though we have both been really busy, and that I still love him very much. I really want to keep the dreams we have alive. I figure this is one very small way to do it.
...I hope he won't just find it cheesy.

Nouvelles Continuités

Je suis folle des nouveaux départs. Ils m'inspirent tellement d'enthousiasme. Je commence avec zèle toutes sortes de choses: des programmes de conditionnement physique, des projets d'écriture, de couture, des livres de recettes, ect.
Je crois que de toutes les formes de commencements, une des plus faciles est surement celle du blogue.
On inscrit une adresse email, on se trouve un petit titre sympa, on se fait des agencements de couleurs, et hop, on est partis pour la gloire.

Le problème c'est qu'en suite, il faut avoir quelque chose à dire.

Fidèle à moi-même, jusqu'ici, j'en ai commencé au moins 5 (et il y en a surement que j'oublie). Chacun devait être le début d'un récit personnel, d'un projet relié à un nouvel intérêt, ect.Bref, vous voyez où j'en viens.

J'aspire tellement à être une de ces blogueuses si cool qui parlent tout simplement de ce qui les intéresse avec tant de brio. Je m'émerveille toujours de la perspective de leur "posts",de leur don de recherchistes web, de la beauté de leurs photos, mais surtout de la contiguïté subtile (et parfois involontaire) de leurs sujets.

C'est vrai, les "take-home messages" de ces entrées de blogs, quoique variant assez pour être intéressants, font tout aussi perceptiblement partie d'un filon, d'une identité. C'est leur authenticité qui fait leur charme.

C'est une authenticité que je ne vois pas chez moi. J'ai certainement une identité et des filons à suivre, quoique je le les voient pas en ce moment. C'est pourquoi au lieu de commencer un énième blogue, je vais essayer de continuer celui-ci, et ce, même si mes entrées ne sont pas tout à fait aussi cool et recherchées que voudrais.

Qui sait où cet effort me mènera. Peut-être que bloguer n'est tout simplement pas fait pour moi. Je tiens, avant de décider formellement, à faire un effort et me laisser la chance et le temps de développer une identité de blogueuse.

Un des obstacle à ce procédé à été l'audience. J'ai toujours été assez concernée par ce que les autres pensent de moi (je l'admet malgré ma honte).Cette année, pourtant, je me sens plus sure de moi. Peut-être que ceci changera les choses.

Peu importe, je compte profiter de cette nouvelle sensation de bien-être tout en n'en tirant des fins créatives.

J'aime aussi l'idée de pouvoir partager trouvailles et observations (et surement anecdotes) avec des amies (enfin, surtout une!).