For All We Know.

It's a week after Valentine's day and I have a lot to write about. J.G. and I have had quite the week. We both had some built-up furstrations, and fundamentally big problems that were being put on the back-burner. It lead to big conflict on monday morning (the first day of my week of midterms).
After our outburst, and while I was trying not to be late for class, I decided that it might be best if we had a few days appart. It was difficult to make this decision. I feared his reaction. The ultimate fear was that he would want to end the relatonship because of my decision to take some time away. In retrospect, that seems silly, but at the time, it was a real possibility in my mind. Part if the reason we had not adressed these issues was that we were both scared of where facing them would take us.

We had both gotten a bit lost, and fear and anger were taking over (ugly!).

I spent a few days at my Stepfather's, and the space really helped clear things up:
I had not given myself enough room in this relationship, and I was so scared of losing him that I was letting the relationship rot at the core. There were things I needed that I had to ask for (and put my foot down), and I also had to admit to myself that I had not been giving this lationship my 100% over the last couple of months.

I have found balancing all the different parts of my adult life quite challenging: appartment maintenance, couple, school, family, and friends.

I guess I just have to keep trying my best. This week as ultimately been good for J.G. and I. We met for supper on Thursday and enjoyed a worry free evening. On friday we had the big talk, and it was good, I think. We spent the rest of the week-end makign each other an priority, and doing exclusively fun activities. We really needed to do that more.

There are a lot of things both of us need to do more. I hope the relationship will work because I love him very much. I saw more than ever this week that he loves me too.

Ironically, as a direct result of all this making-up, I am more ready than ever for the possibility that this relationship might not work. I don't mean this at all in a negative way. I have caught myself acting out of fear, and I don't want to go back. I vow that I will face things, be honnest with myself, MAKE time to think things through, and put my foot down when I need to despite the outcome.

I need to work on feeling more whole by myself. I took a small step in that direction last week, and it made the relationship that mich stronger. So I just have to keep going in that way.

I have to say, despite the circumstances, it was a really pleasant few days at M.D.'s. He was so wonderful. He listened, gave amazing insight, and seemed glad to have me there, which all made me feel so much better. We also drank wine every night and watched the last few episodes of Dexter. Yeah, that was a pretty great week.
I am a very lucky girl.

I also had a chance to read some of mym mother's diaries, and look at some photos. I felt like I was monologuing to her all three days I was there. What a woman! She is and inspiration of authenticity and dedication to a good life. She really inspired me to be string and do it right. I hope she would be proud.

I thought I might put up a photo of the garland I made J.G. for Valentine's day. It obviously didn't work any love magic, but I am still pretty proud of it, and I loved making it.



I also made M.F. a birthday card with some of the same materials.