I'm kind of a dork, so I like to keep inspirational quotes around my apartment because...well, they inspire me.
I got hope from a good day, today. Not particularly productive, but good.
As I was brushing my teeth and justifying to myself reading the last 30 pages of Anna Karenina instead of reviewing my Italian notes, I glanced at my fridge and saw a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that had been there forever: "You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and the best you have to give."

At first, it reminded me of a friend in Spain who is trying to build something that he genuinely believes in. It made me feel good to know someone like that, then I thought of J., J.G., M, M.F., and my cousin. It turns out, I know a lot of people who care to make something good that wasn't there before them. All of them have it in common that this objective is not self-involved in any other way than that they are its inventors and the craftsmen behind the work. It's not altruistic, it's...responsible? Yeah, not exactly the word I am looking for. But that's kind of what I mean.
Listing through these people, my mind stopped on J.G.: he keeps inspirational quotes around too!
Remembering the first few times we hung-out and that funny magnet on his fridge that reads: "I do many things well, none of which generate income".
I remembered how I really feel about him. I remembered feeling, after I had met him, like we had been on the same team for a long time, but we had just never really met.
It wasn't anything specific that he said or did, it was mostly in the way he moved, the way he looked at me when he asked a question. He has this way about him, this strength that translates into kindess, and you can see it.

I guess I just felt we were both trying to live well.

Lately, my sentiment has been taitned by fear.
As I stared at Eleanor's words I couldn't help it wonder: "Naïké, why are you so damned scared of living with him?" Probably just because it is a big scary step, and I am just giving the fear more stage-space than it deserves.
I think I understood today that I haven't wanted enough to trust that he will always try to do what's best for us. Whenever I think about us lately, I seem to start from the premise that he does not want what is best for me. I've somehow demonized him out of fear, and created a monster that only feins love, but really wants to trap me, to use me for his happiness and leave me with nothing.

How the hell did I get there???

Fear can quickly claw it's way into the center of attention.
I don't want to be afraid, I am so-god-damn-done with being afraid.
This essential trust will not grow on it's own. I have to force the dark thoughts out and make sure I try hard to look at what he is doing.

J. has this wonderful frase: "translation means I love you"

I am learning to read him, and I am old enough now to know that this does not happen on its own.

Intimacy sure isn't what I thought it would be! This is the first time for me that it feels real. It's certain and yet not void of doubt. It's...irregular (in my style) but it sure is real! No matter what it costs, I know I can go with that...

Who knew that even when things are real you have to make yourself see them?