Spring is here.

Everyone is alive again, and I want to buy a mansion and decorate it.
I am so very tired, and still slightly discouraged, but I am not letting it get to me. The sky is blue, the air smells slightly of poo, and the sun feels warm on the skin. What else could one ask for?
The truth is I am a bit scared of moving-in with J.G. It may very well be a very big mistake. Sometimes I feel like I don't understand him enough, like we don't know each other enough. Maybe there is a jonathan monster hidden in there and he will only come-out when it is too late?
Despite the doubt, I still feel like the best thing to do is pick paint colors with him and get crackin' on packing my boxes. It's so ridiculously soon. If it turns out I was all wrong about him, then so be it.

There are a lot of things bellow satisfactory level, lately. I don't pay as much attention to my father as I would like. Also, I would have liked to work longer on my final essay. I don't feel too good about it. I feel pretty bad at my job, and well, tiredness has taken its toll on J.G. and I. I also feel like my friendships are evaporating, and that is not good. I feel that I am always running around to see people, but somehow they are never the people that really count. I need to watch that. I know it doesn'T have to be this way. I need to figure-out a smarter way to say no, and to feel less bad for prioritizing.

There is a flip-side, though. Not knowing at all where I am going to end-up next fall is sort of exciting, and for the first time in a LONG time, my little voice is speaking to me. The first time was last week. I was walking home from having gotten J.G. some icing sugar for a desert he was making, and I was listening to this great new d.j. I like...it felt good to walk home in the semi-warm night and listen to new music. I had forgotten what a positive effect music can have on my mood. I just felt happy. Not happy because I had to, not “fending-off bad thoughts” happy. Just happy. That is when the voice spoke. It said: “so what if you don’t know? that doesn’t mean it will turn-out badly.”
I am also thinking of Mom more. I almost dialogue with her. The universe seems to be conspiring to make me remember her. A childhood friend is staying over at my apartment for a few days. I hadn’t seen her in ages. The first thing she asked was: “how’s your Mum?” That was quite a shock. It was a good one, thought. It made me think of her. Seeing my childhood friend is also awakening memories of how I was as a child, and how my mother was.
I thought for a while that I should see a therapist because I had never spoken about my mother, and her death did not seem like it was an event in my life. I think now, instead, that I should ask people about her and record what they say. I don’t know what will come of this...but I think I just need to rediscover her. What I have left to do this are people’s memories. I think it could turn into a beautiful project.
So there it is, all of it (or almost).
Some good, some bad, and some mediocre. But altogether, it’s still a pretty awesome patchwork.