È finita

It is over between J.G. and I. I guess technically that is not precisely true. When he walked out of my appartment in a hurry this morning what he said was: "I want a break".

I cried for about an hour afterwards while trying to slice bread with the wrong kind of knife. (I will eventually get a bread knife...eventually)
I gave-up on the bread, took a shower, and made coffee.
The bread and bad knife combination eventually turned into jam and peanut butter toast.

I cleaned my whole appartment. By the time I got to mopping the place I already felt better.

I forgot to mention that between the shower and the toast there was a conversation with M. It is crazy how similarly we think of relationships. I guess we both loved the same woman, and I learned most of what I know from her.

I felt so much better after I spoke to him.

I made lunch pretty late and then went to karaté.

All day, while I was fending off the feelings of sadness and emptiness, I kept telling myself I was not angry at him.

That was a lie, as it turns-out.
The anger reared its ugly head during karaté class. The teacher was tough on us, and we all had trouble keeping-up. I got this killer cramp midway during the exercizes. As usual when this happens, I try to picture myself in actual "combat".
Strangely, the face I kept picturing was J.G's.

Guess I am mad, afterall.

In the last half hour of class we did non-stop fighting. I screwed-up the first couple of fights, but by the third I was on my game and doing well.

Another feeling that reavealed itself during karaté was guilt. It is not impossible that I single-handedly ENTIRELY screwed-up this relationship...
Though I was good with my fighting, I was not at ease tonight. I got this black belt girl in the stomach (did I mention I was on my game tonight?) and instantly stopped fighting and appologized. I blushed and felt badly, It was super-awkard. The teacher walked-up and mercilessly said something along the lines of: what the hell is wrong with you, "excuses-toi pas parce que tu as fais un bon coup, voyons!" This comment was passed not really on a "congratulations" tone, rather a "stop being a idiot girl" tone.

The girl looked and me and said the same.

I feel like I have been appologizing for existing lately. I am not sure why I feel so insecure.

No more!

I know there are some things that I did wrong in this relationship. I have some of them down and I will think hard about how I acted in the next few days. I will come to a conclusion about what I think is right or wrong. Off the top of my head, I don't think I deserved to be left like that.

It hurts a lot to be told: "I am just tired" by the person that you love (when they are reffering to your relationship).

Knowing him as I do so far, do I think I can be J.G.'s girlfriend without driving him or me crazy?

I love him, I really do.

Just last night we were having a real conversation (such a treat, and so rare!) and I was just soaking it all up, the sound of his voice, the way he thought of things, his courage, positivity, everything...

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said that true love was not looking into each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction.

This has always been my love credo. When J.G. first told me about himself, I thought: "ta-daa!"

No matter how much I admire him, love him, no matter how much my stomach turns whenever I think he is hurt or unhappy...it just never felt...close.

This morning, when I understood that he was leaving it felt like my stomach had fallen to my heels.

It's kind of been dangling there all day...

But tonight, I feel altogether better.

I spoke to Marie. Speaking to her and M. always feels like coming home.

I am very very lucky.

I would love to share a similar kind of closeness to a man I love someday.